I’ve never had a relationship. I haven’t even dated properly. But it’s been on my mind recently about the type of partner that I would want in my life. I’m a pretty emotionally independent person, I don’t need people to to make myself feel good  or happy or what have you (though of course I am when I’m with them), but I want them in my life. And that difference between need and want, makes everything more meaningful. Because we choose to be present in each others lives, even though we don’t have to.

So what was I saying? Oh yeah, partner. I’m not on the gay scene. At all. Clubbing is not my thing. I’m such an old man inside. I just like to spend time with people, it doesn’t really matter what we’re doing as long as we’re communicating. And its really hard to hear you over the music in a club. And even though I apparently give off ‘a person who has lots of casual relationships’ (read: dirty whore) vibes to some people, I’m really not interested in being someone’s trick for the night. I’m not asexual, but when I think about what I actually want that’s not it. I have actually thought about whether I’d be okay with being in a relationship without having sex. The answer was yes, though that may be a case of not knowing what I’m missing out on.

Fuck I seem to be digressing a lot.

So what do I want? When I think about this I invariably come up with little about the physical. I perve as much as the next guy, but though you may be attracted to someone because of their looks, there’s no point if you’re repelled by their character. But let’s not kid. It’d be nice if they were cute. The main things that keep popping up in my head?

• Self awareness and insight. Because when you’re aware of yourself, there’s a good chance you will be aware and considerate of others.
• An open mind. The willingness to listen to other points of view, and angles of truth.
• A sense of self. There’s no point being willing to listen to all of these things if you end up getting lost yourself. Discern what is yours and what is not, and have the strength of character to be who you are.
• Emotional maturity. I’m not interested in playing games. Games are fun, but people aren’t toys to be played with so easily.
• Confidence. Not arrogance or cockiness. But a genuine kind of soul confidence in themselves. You can see it in their presence, in their carriage. The way they glide through, like there are no burdens on their shoulders.
• Wholeness. I actually think that whole two halves making a whole you complete me kind of thing is kind of romantic. But there is no way I want that for myself at all. Co-dependency is not cool. Like I said before, to want to be together, means more to me, than needing to be together. But then, I haven’t been in love before.

When I think of these things, I know too, that these are the things I want most for myself. Forget about careers or money or goals or possession. When I think about who it is I actually want to be and see in the mirror, these are the attributes that I want to have.

They seem to be kind of high standards to ask of someone else, but I won’t settle. I don’t expect some kind of perfect movie star. I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. And that’s okay. Knowing what our shortcomings and our insecurities are is one thing. Not taking that frustration out on other people, but making the choice to at whatever pace address them, is another.

I know I have high standards, so that’s why I don’t think its fair if I haven’t gone some way to reaching them either. After all, I don’t want someone to just settle for me. And this is why I haven’t met anyone yet, because I don’t think I’m good enough to have them.

Whether you think I’m good enough for you or not, I’m going to be good enough for myself